how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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