So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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