Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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