I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
