Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
