she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
