im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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