someone get that fucking seahorse.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
