respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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