My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
