Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
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