So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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