I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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