a queef is a wish your heart makes.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
