We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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