You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
