who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
