ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I smell stomach acid.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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