im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
