Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
