i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
