He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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