I faked an abortion last night.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
