he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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