i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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