I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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