She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
