I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
