if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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