So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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