You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
