dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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