can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize