I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
