Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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