I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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