She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
