Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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