Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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