i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
