Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
