You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
