Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
