I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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