I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
