apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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