She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
