the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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