summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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