I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
