her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize