I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
