OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
