Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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