Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
