At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
