if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
