insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
