my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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