You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
