I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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