Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You have to summon your inner elephant
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
