you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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