I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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