Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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